Rainbow

I finally got the result of my trial hsc. I have been through a lot of trouble into preparing for that test. Sleepless nights, well almost. And of course dedication and passion for the subject. I have been in love with this for so many years and I just feel so great of achieving my goal.

I got 92% in the trial hsc which is way better than my goal of at least 90%. I'm ranked 5th among yr 12 and accelerated yr 11 students. It just feels so wow to be at least in top 5. Of course, Paul and Kevin got the top, followed by Andrew then a yr 12 guy ... then me (: The top ten was dominated by year 11 students. I think only 2 or 3 people from yr 12 got in. I couldn't brag about this because the year 12's are going through a lot of pressure, knowing that they're doing other subjects as well.

Last Monday I had an exam as well in which I didn't really have the time to study. I've been so busy and problematic over the weekend that I couldn't even concentrate on my work. Luckily, I've been a great student *wink* in class that I managed to be attentive. I didn't feel the need to cram because I just felt that I am actually ready for it. I finished the practical exam without any worry. It's like Chemistry is a natural thing for me. Everything just falls into the right place (: I heard that I got 37/40 and I ranked 2nd. I haven't seen my paper though, means I haven't checked for extra marks *wink* which is really possible to get because my teacher is such a careless marker d: I wish I can get two more marks to come first. But surely, 2nd is good enough for me. (:

The serious problem that I mentioned in my previous posts gets lighter everyday. The world is treating me fairly and I don't feel depressed anymore. I don't feel any burden or anything close to what I felt almost a week ago. Unfortunately, mood swings are still bothering me, more like of a bother to other people d: Well, I couldn't do anything about it. I've been really mataray/masungit/suplada (snobbish/grumpy) even when I'm in the Philippines. Having been mentioned this, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I mean, I am who I am since I was in the Philippines and no one has ever called me an anti-social until I came here. I don't know. Maybe it's because of the cultural differences. Who's pretty in there is just 'ok' here and who's pretty here is 'ugly' there. Completely opposite worlds. WOW! But I oddly love both for sure! (: Where was I? I completely dragged the topic out.

Going back, the feeling I have at the moment is just so light. I can't feel any burden. I am happy. I can easily smile. Another answered prayer, and I am so grateful for all these. (:

I just want to add, I officially burnt the j word and excluded it from my vocabulary. I am so going to avoid it and I will try not to be affected at all. I know, I shouldn't be in denial stage or being like a hypocrite so I am saying that I was j but I will try not be anymore. (: Anyway, I got to thinking that if it's for me, it will find a way to get to me. Here's some more: If you love someone, set him free, if he comes back then he's yours, otherwise he never was; A guy wouldn't care about his admirers if he already admires one special girl. (: I don't need to act the way how I did twice. No one knows how ashamed I am right now, but what's done is done and I couldn't change anything about it. Don't worry, I wouldn't care no more because I don't have the right to. So I guess this is it.

This has been a very pleasant night for me (: WOW the stars are brilliant. The world is just so wonderful, isn't it? hehe. Good night (:

Combined passion and sacrifice can lead to success. ^^,

Update:
I came down to 6th because someone got extra marks and beat me by 1mark. Still good though (: and I got 93% not 92%. <--- Trial HSC
Just today, I found out that I came first, finally, in extension 1 math exam with the mark of 38/39 (:

Angels

I feel so light at the moment though I still couldn't concentrate on my work. But at least I am better. I know that everything will surely be fine and thanks to the angels in my life. (:

I talked to people who make me laugh and thus make me happy. (: It's a good thing that I finally shared it with someone else. (: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

If only you, yes you who's currently reading my blog, include my issues in your prayers, that would be a great help. (:

Thanks for talking when I am lost in words. Thanks for listening when I need an absorber. Thank you.

Problems

When things go wrong, I don't know where to go. I don't know who to talk to. I am completely lost.

I did consult one of my best friends. I even talked to someone I am not so close with but sure has a great mind which I think would help me a lot. But everything still seems to be off the road. It's completely messy. My world is a mess at the moment.

I have a very serious problem that I don't think I can share with anyone. It's very personal that I doubt someone will ever understand. This problem could have been easier to face if it's alone. But no. It comes with all other problems. There's school problems and heartache problems. What shall I do? To whom shall I say all of these? I wish I have more than just my inanimate eeyore friend. I wish I have someone to talk to right now that I don't have to write this entry.

I have been so selfish. I once wished for something. It is granted but it comes with this serious problem. Now I just wish I hoped for the otherwise because if so it could have been well right now. :S I feel so guilty and I don't know what to do. Or is there even something that I can do? Yes, the only thing that is left to me, say a prayer.

I wish I will be sent an angel to enlighten my mind. Along with this serious problem, I hurt myself as well as someone else. I didn't mean to. I have been just so irritable that even the person who I wish to talk to, run away from me. Well, I can't blame anyone. It's just me and my issues and it will always be. :S

Unknown

I've done the trial hsc. I've finished my brochure. I'm about to finish writing my chem notes. Shouldn't I be happy?

I feel so lonely. Is it the silence of the night? or the silence inside of me?

This feeling is unknown. All I know is it's negative. Why do I have to be like this? Sometimes, I hate to be me.

Last Day Off

Today is my last day off. I am hoping to finish writing my notes, practicals and of course the last trial hsc I got. Tomorrow I will be back to school and should be ready for the 2-unit Math exam. On Monday, I will be sitting the second most important exam I am taking this year. On Tuesday, the English assignment is due yet I haven't even started making the plan into a real project. GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! I just want to SCREAM!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

:'(

Jealousy

I am always so curious about the word jealousy. It always has been more than just a word to me. This emotion ruins my mood all the time. It is just so powerful that it can turn any nice thing into a disaster. I always wanted to learn how to avoid having this emotion, or at least learn to handle when it strikes. And so I thought of searching for definitions and some ways on how to handle this very unpleasant emotion.

Jealousy - suspicion; is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, such as a relationship, friendship, or love. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, sadness, and disgust. Jealousy differs from envy in that jealousy is about something one has and is afraid of losing, while envy refers to something one does not have and either wants to acquire or to prevent another from acquiring.

Having known the meaning of jealousy, I got to thinking that maybe I am not jealous. How can I be jealous if I don't even possess the things I am afraid to lose? But how can this be envy if no one has the right to own the property?

Now that I have learned this, do I have to search on how to handle it? I am sure that I know deep down what I shall do when jealousy or envy strikes into my mood. Maybe I just have to pray that this will never happen again and ask for forgiveness in having such an unpleasant and disgusting emotion. I should avoid seeing things that provoke this emotion. I should ignore the thoughts and think of something else. And most importantly, I should be quiet and take no hold on the things I am afraid to lose, because once I become possessive that's the time when I don't possess anything at all.

"Live on doubts; it becomes madness or stops entirely as soon as we pass from doubt to certainty."

Yr 11 Retreat

I should have been sleeping right now. I am so tired and exhausted but I felt like I have to write it now while everything is still fresh in my head.

Yesterday, 10th of August, 8:00am, I arrived school for the retreat. I was so excited because it's my first time to go with my school friends away from home. I was always curious how is it like to be sleeping in a cabin with a friend, sharing a meal with them and doing activities together. I know that this would be a memorable experience and it would probably be one of the highlights of my high school life.

We arrived in Mulgoa Edmund Rice at around 10:00 am. The whole group shared a morning tea in the dining area. After that, some physical activities followed. I got so sore after each and every activity. Everything was fun!! (: But the one thing that I will never forget is the one where I had to go on someone's shoulder because I am the lightest in the group. He was jumping and playing around while carrying me!! He's crazy!! I was so scared but still it was fun. I can say that he was the most gentleman in the group (compared to others). I was and am very thankful to those who endured being held in their necks just because I was too scared that I am going to fall. I got to know a lot of people - people whom I never got a chance to talk to. I got even closer to my friends. I can say that this is one experience I will always remember.

The retreat is foodfull :))))) We ate every now and then. I must say that I was impressed with all of the meals. YUMMY!! though I missed eating rice (: lols. The food is one of the things I would miss a lot in this trip. ♥

One highlight of the retreat is the personality test. I had the chance not only to know other people but also myself. I now understand why sometimes things go wrong. I had the time to think over the many conflicts I had with my parents and other people. In the middle of the meditation, there was even a bit where I laughed and said, 'No wonder I like him'.

The result of my personality is this,
'ISFP Introvert Sensing Feeling Perceiving
Refining, quietly friendly, sensitive, kind, modest about their abilities, shun disagreements, do not force their opinions and values on others, usually do not care to lead but are often loyal followers, often relaxed about getting things done because they enjoy the present moment and do not want to spoil it by undue haste or exertion.'

Everybody agreed in the description appeared on mine. I got only one person who has exactly the same result as mine. It just feels nice to get to know myself and to know how other people know me. They say the same thing. I'm quiet. Out of all the people who said things about me, there is one person's statement which I clearly remembers and here it goes,

'Erna is quiet and always nice. Whenever I talk to her, she always smiles because she's always happy which makes me happy as well.'

I remember it because I do not know him well. He is in some of my classes and he used to sit beside me in one of my Science classes but I didn't have the chance to get to know him. I couldn't say anything about him aside from being smart and lame joker. I was just surprised with what he said. I never expected anyone to say anything like that but surprisingly they all said almost the same thing.

In assessing my own self, I found out that from being an extrovert, I turned into being an introvert. There are a lot of stuff that changed in me. I used to be loud. I used to talk to everyone without thinking of what to say. I used to be spontaneous, just go with the flow. Maybe due to some successive events, I now tend to be quiet. Instead of the one being observed, I am the one who now observes. I wonder what they were thinking. I think of the things I should and should not do. I formulate first the thoughts in my head before actually saying it loud. I have changed a lot and I do not know if it's for the better. However, being an extrovert hasn't gone completely in my personality. I sometimes find myself spontaneous and free. These times are the ones I share with my family and friends when I really do enjoy a lot.

In accordance with that personality test, we were taught how to deal with different kinds of people. I now understand why I often have conflicts with my mom. I will now try to apply what I have learned to prevent conflicts between us. In the magical thing, I was really amazed with what was being discussed.

'People's subconscious minds find a partner in life. They choose the one whom they can hold on to in times of downturn and whom they can share upturns with. Usually one's weaknesses are the partner's strengths and one's strengths are the partner's weaknesses. Having been known of the differences, in some areas they share the same qualities where they collide and attract.'

It was amazing. No wonder my mom and my dad are perfect pair!! ♥ No wonder I don't fall for looks. No wonder I fall for someone even without me choosing it. God is so good. He made all of these. (: Now I know that He will certainly give me a perfect partner. I hope I've already known him. (:

To end this novel-like entry, I just want to say, THIS IS ONE OF THE MEMORIES THAT I WILL TREASURE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE ♥ I miss being in retreat *sigh*

My Weekend

I started my Saturday by going out with my girl friends. We watched a movie called 'The Ugly Truth'. It was fun! Though it has a lot of foul words, it wasn't too bad. It's funny and really entertaining. I guess I liked it because it's romance ♥ It was the first time I ever watched a movie with my friends from my school. I was never allowed to go because the mall they always wanted to go is way too far from my place. It's a good thing that someone suggested to go to Castle Towers (: because finally I can come. I enjoyed their company. But of course I still reminisced the times that I watched movies with my girl friends in the Philippines. It's totally different but sure all were equally fun (:

I went home at 2:30 in the afternoon after I ate lunch with two of my girl friends since the other two needed to go to the city with their parents. I wanted to sleep because my eyes felt like burning and I was not feeling well. I even thought of not going to the party at night because I didn't think I could still make it. While I was taking a nap, suddenly I heard my mom calling my name and asking me to prepare the gift. Once again, my sleep was interrupted and I couldn't get back to sleep. It's probably the reason why I felt uncomfortable for the rest of the day.

The party was fun. The reaction of the celebrant was so awesome. I will never forget that face ! HAHAHA. The food was great !!! OMG I couldn't get over the beef kaldereta. I know that Tita Divine is awesome in baking but I didn't know that she's an awesome cook too (: I enjoyed everything in that party. The songs played by my brother, Nathan,
Max and Gabsy were great. I enjoyed everything especially the 'Blue Sky'. The hip-hop dance was so cute. I like the kids (: They're so cute. And as usual, they all did a great job (GFK). The dancing in the end has lots of good music but I didn't feel like dancing. HAHAHA. I don't know when will I ever go back to dancing again. I haven't tried since I left the Philippines XD We left the party at around 10.30 in the evening. I wanted to stay but what will I do? I didn't want to dance. It's too cold outside to go and hang out there. Most of my cousins left already. And I didn't want to sit alone and watch the people go crazy on the dance floor. So I went home.

Today, I am planning to clean, write some notes, go to church and pack for retreat. I'm hoping to get everything done. I am so looking forward to having that retreat. I need a break from school. I need to relax. I'm so excited (: but sad too, I'm going to miss my family, some of my friends and my room !! HAHAHA but to avoid home sickness, I'm bringing my eeyore. That's not bad, is it?

That's about my weekend. Got bored? Well it's your time to rejoice because it's over. (:

You'll Be In My Heart ♥

Come stop your crying
It will be all right
Just take my hand Hold it tight

I will protect you
from all around you
I will be here
Don't you cry

For one so small,
you seem so strong
My arms will hold you,
keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
Can't be broken
I will be here
Don't you cry

'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more

You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here in my heart, always

Why can't they understand
the way we feel
They just don't trust
what they can't explain
I know we're different but,
deep inside us
We're not that different at all

And you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more

Don't listen to them
'Cause what do they know
We need each other,
to have, to hold
They'll see in time
I know

When destiny calls you
You must be strong
cause I may not be with you
But you've got to hold on
They'll see in time
I know
We'll show them together cause

you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on,
Now and forever more

Oh, you'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be in my heart, always
Always

yes i'll be with you.
cause i'll be there for you always
always and always
just look over your shoulder
just look over your shoulder
just look over your shoulder
i'll be there for you always
always

Mixed

Things coming up:

• Eco in-class essay
  
• Academic assembly
  
• Someone's party
• Yr11 retreat
• Trial HSC
• Other assignments due

I had 1hr driving lesson today. It's quite fun. My schedule today has been wrecked by some events so I don't know when I will be able to study. Dress shopping for the party is a possible agenda for today.

I have lots of schoolworks needed to be done as soon as possible. It's a good thing that Phoebe and I shared the responsibility of writing Chemistry notes. (:

I think that's about it. I better get started. bye.

ingatz