Have you ever felt like you try so hard to do the right thing but you still keep on doing the wrong one?
If yes, we can relate to each other.
These last few days, I've always been trying to be a good girl. I know I'm already one for the fact that I don't disappoint much my parents and I'm decent. You know what I mean, I am not a slut or what so ever that girls nowadays had become. I am trying to be what my parents expect me to be. However, I am the kind of girl who's not that sweet and intimate with my parents and I am answering back. Not that of disrespectful way, but sometimes I admit that I do.
I've been trying so hard not to talk back to them. Or at least talk to them with patience. I admit, I am always pissed off with the way they talk to me. I find it so unnecessary to ask so many details that even I don't know how to answer them correctly. Like, don't they have trust on me?
Two nights ago, I've been really bad. I was so lonely then that I felt like talking to my friends in the Philippines. I called my friend, EEYORE. I missed him so much. Oh well, back to the topic. So yea, I tried to call my friends like, LIET, SHERLYN, my beshiees CHARM and CES, but that night was crap! I wasn't able to contact anyone but eeyore. Then I remembered that I just got the number of Mhoninay, the one that I just met online, through friendster. She lives in the Philippines and she's a friend of my Ex-boyfriend, Azer. I called her up. We talked for awhile. I never realized that we've been talking for like an hour and that my brother's hearing everything. He went to my room and asked whom I am talking with. When I told him the answer, I was so pissed that I feel like he doesn't trust me. He was concerned of the cost of the call so I said that Mhoninay called me instead of saying the other way round. I lied :( I just did that to end the conversation. I hate interrogations especially when I'm talking over the phone. Suddenly, my mom knocked on my room and checked on me. Crap! My brother told her everything. I couldn't resist but to answer back. My point is, am I doing anything bad aside from the fact that I lied? Come on, I am just feeling lonely so I thought of having someone to talk to. What's so wrong with that?
My mom got so angry at me. She told me that I am disrespectful and all that. Of course my dad should intrude or else my mom would have gotten a heart attack. They were so angry at me. My dad checked on every detail I answered. He analyzed EVERYTHING. In the end, I just told him that I lied. There's nothing to worry though. I just lied and there's where the trouble started from. My dad didn't know if he would believe me or something. He said that I'm the one who gives them the reasons to doubt on me.
Oh well, they're right. I tried so hard to be patient. I tried everything. It's just that, you know, adrenaline rush. Sometimes I'm out of control.
I wrote to them I said I'm sorry. I told them EVERYTHING, no more lies.
The next day, we're fine.
It's funny how sometimes I feel like they don't trust me or they don't understand me. And when I take time to think about what happened, I would suddenly realize that I was on the wrong side. that I'm the one who didn't trust them on their judgments on me. and I'm the one who did not understand the situation.
Sometimes, because of thinking too much of doing the right thing, we don't realize that we are actually doing the wrong one.
Sunday, 21 December 2008
Thursday, 18 December 2008
A Melo-Dramatic Entry
At some time in our life, we experience being given big applause by lots of people who admire us for doing the right thing, for being excellent academically, and even for winning lots of sports titles.
Sometimes we get blinded by the fame and admiration people give us. Amazing aye? Really overwhelming.
However, excellence is not forever and there are many times when we fall and fail even ourselves.
Why do failures happen?
Is it because of our ego? Or these are just part of the test? Both true.
Sometimes we think that we are the BEST, that we can do everything in that field, that we are undefeated. Somehow that's true, but we often forget that others get their advantage by working hard and doing what's right. And when they persevere while we sit and relax, that's when we lose and fail.
Failures are part of the test. We must learn how to pick ourselves up and be strong. We may no longer be the "best in math" nor the "best in IT" but as long as we do our best every time,we'll really succeed and achieve our goals.
Slash the ego. Slash the shame. Slash the pride. Slash the comparison. Slash everything but perseverance, trust in ourselves, humility, faith in God, integrity, courage and dignity.
I may only be a year10 student who doesn't know much about life but I experienced being on top and the sudden down-fall. It's not easy for me but I'm trying my best to get up and be myself once again.
At the moment, I know that it's too early for me to say all of these. I may be too young but I know that all of these happen in everyday life. And will continue to happen in the future.
I know that in two years time, I'll have my HSC and all of the failures I got in my SC will be forgotten.
I know that for the next two years, massive pimples and huge eye bags await to show but i don't care. I SHOULDN'T care.
I know and I believe that I can be on top again.
But after that, what's next?
I know that I WILL certainly fail myself again. But the important thing is, when that time happens, I reckon that I would be positive because I was able to have the preparation. And that is to fly not too high so that when I fall, I wouldn't get crippled and have stitches, maybe scratches instead^^
Now, here I am, not knowing how to end this entry.lol.
bottom line:
It's better to fall and get up early than to realize things when it's too late.
Erna
Sometimes we get blinded by the fame and admiration people give us. Amazing aye? Really overwhelming.
However, excellence is not forever and there are many times when we fall and fail even ourselves.
Why do failures happen?
Is it because of our ego? Or these are just part of the test? Both true.
Sometimes we think that we are the BEST, that we can do everything in that field, that we are undefeated. Somehow that's true, but we often forget that others get their advantage by working hard and doing what's right. And when they persevere while we sit and relax, that's when we lose and fail.
Failures are part of the test. We must learn how to pick ourselves up and be strong. We may no longer be the "best in math" nor the "best in IT" but as long as we do our best every time,we'll really succeed and achieve our goals.
Slash the ego. Slash the shame. Slash the pride. Slash the comparison. Slash everything but perseverance, trust in ourselves, humility, faith in God, integrity, courage and dignity.
I may only be a year10 student who doesn't know much about life but I experienced being on top and the sudden down-fall. It's not easy for me but I'm trying my best to get up and be myself once again.
At the moment, I know that it's too early for me to say all of these. I may be too young but I know that all of these happen in everyday life. And will continue to happen in the future.
I know that in two years time, I'll have my HSC and all of the failures I got in my SC will be forgotten.
I know that for the next two years, massive pimples and huge eye bags await to show but i don't care. I SHOULDN'T care.
I know and I believe that I can be on top again.
But after that, what's next?
I know that I WILL certainly fail myself again. But the important thing is, when that time happens, I reckon that I would be positive because I was able to have the preparation. And that is to fly not too high so that when I fall, I wouldn't get crippled and have stitches, maybe scratches instead^^
Now, here I am, not knowing how to end this entry.lol.
bottom line:
It's better to fall and get up early than to realize things when it's too late.
Erna
Funny Down-fall : Fresh Start
It's really funny how I feel so dumb and stupid. I've never felt this way before.
Two nights ago, we attended the Awards Night in our school, St. Patrick's Marist College. My cousin and I are getting our awards which we don't know what exactly for. We arrived at 6:45 P. M. like what was said in the letter they sent us many weeks ago. We found out that the program will start at 7:30 and at that moment, we will be going to have a practice. What a crap!! Why do they need to make our parents wait for 45 minutes? The practice should have taken place on school days.
Well, anyway, this is what happened. I was so bored. Though the program started already, the musicians and the speakers kept on dragging our time. Real waste! Finally, giving of awards started. Of course Year 7's go first.
"Val Jeremiah Linsao. Achievement Award in Mathematics.. Achievement Award in Science.. Achievement Award in French...", called the Year 7 Coordinator.
He ended up getting 8 awards - 6 achievements and 2 merits (achievement=highest in class, merit= coming 2nd/3rd in class). Wow! He has 9 subjects and he gets an award for everything except one. I reminisce the moments when I was in the Philippines, getting bunch of medals and certificates.
"Is that your brother?", asked Kevin Lee, the nerdy Korean sitting beside me.
"No, he's my cousin.", said I.
"What a nerd!", replied He.
I don't really care of what he said. I was shocked with my cousin's awards. At that moment, I'm so proud yet ashamed at the same time. Proud because my cousin carries the same last name as mine yet ashamed because I don't think I'll be getting that much.
When my year coordinator finally held up the microphone and started to introduce the Year 10 award-winners, my heart jumped continually, not for joy but because of my nerves. I felt like I don't want to go up the stage and get my shameful award.
"Erna Linsao..Achievement Award in Science and Merit Award in Graphics Technology", my Year Coordinator called out.
Sweet! I got 2 at least. I felt like I'm a loser. Why didn't I study like what I'm supposed to do? Why did I play so much that I forgot to have practice for my Math? Why did I become like this?
Maybe I'm still good. But not as good as I was before. Maybe I felt ashamed because of the comparison. I hate this feeling!
When the Year 11 Coordinator made his way up to the stage to introduce the Year 11 award-winners, I didn't expect for something. My brother isn't getting an award anyway. So what I did was, I looked up at the board and stared at it. It showed the name, year level, house and the awards of the person being called out.
Suddenly, I saw, "Ernst Nil Thomas Linsao 11 Ludovic...."
What a crap! My brother has AWARDS. He got 5! We never got a letter that says he's getting anything. He was expecting for it since I received mine. I can remember how pissed he was when he found out that he's not getting anything.
My mom felt so sorry for my brother. She talked to the coordinator to clear things out, to know what really has happened. Mr. Morad, the year 11 coordinator, said that there was a conflict on the computations and it was just as of 4:00 o'clock that day when it was finalized. He said that the school administration tried to call but failed to contact us.
I felt so sorry for my brother. He should have received a big applause from lots of people out there. Knowing the audience, when a student receives more than 3 awards, they couldn't resist but to give an applause even though it was announced to hold it until the last student was presented.
Pride, joy, and shame. Again, I had mixed emotions. I'm proud of my cousin and my brother. But I feel so sorry for myself. I'm such a loser. I hate myself.
After the awards night, we went home to pick up my brothers to have a dinner out with my cousin's family. The topic during the whole night was the awards of my cousin and of course, my brother. How about me? I was like, forgotten?
I feel so bad up to now. I thought of making up next year. I have to get up and do my best again. Next year, I'm doing the hard subjects. I need to endure having massive pimples and huge eye bags. I have to sacrifice my playing time and my FACE.
It's really funny why I feel this way. Maybe because of the comparison? jealousy? what ever it is. I am still a failure.
So, I opened up my blog and I read all of my posts before. I told to myself, "Why did I post something like these? They're crap! A blog is something where I can practice my writing skills. It's not supposed to be a waste where I put my everyday experiences which no one will be interested to read because of the poor structure."
I deleted everything. I think I need a change. Maybe I have to practice writing from now on so that I can get high marks on my essays in all of my subjects.
From now on, this blog is my learning ground, my practice. I ask everyone to pardon me for all of the spelling and grammar mistakes, and so as the structure of this post. I'll try my best to improve. ^^
There you go, you had read my funny down-fall and of course, my FRESH START.
Erna
Two nights ago, we attended the Awards Night in our school, St. Patrick's Marist College. My cousin and I are getting our awards which we don't know what exactly for. We arrived at 6:45 P. M. like what was said in the letter they sent us many weeks ago. We found out that the program will start at 7:30 and at that moment, we will be going to have a practice. What a crap!! Why do they need to make our parents wait for 45 minutes? The practice should have taken place on school days.
Well, anyway, this is what happened. I was so bored. Though the program started already, the musicians and the speakers kept on dragging our time. Real waste! Finally, giving of awards started. Of course Year 7's go first.
"Val Jeremiah Linsao. Achievement Award in Mathematics.. Achievement Award in Science.. Achievement Award in French...", called the Year 7 Coordinator.
He ended up getting 8 awards - 6 achievements and 2 merits (achievement=highest in class, merit= coming 2nd/3rd in class). Wow! He has 9 subjects and he gets an award for everything except one. I reminisce the moments when I was in the Philippines, getting bunch of medals and certificates.
"Is that your brother?", asked Kevin Lee, the nerdy Korean sitting beside me.
"No, he's my cousin.", said I.
"What a nerd!", replied He.
I don't really care of what he said. I was shocked with my cousin's awards. At that moment, I'm so proud yet ashamed at the same time. Proud because my cousin carries the same last name as mine yet ashamed because I don't think I'll be getting that much.
When my year coordinator finally held up the microphone and started to introduce the Year 10 award-winners, my heart jumped continually, not for joy but because of my nerves. I felt like I don't want to go up the stage and get my shameful award.
"Erna Linsao..Achievement Award in Science and Merit Award in Graphics Technology", my Year Coordinator called out.
Sweet! I got 2 at least. I felt like I'm a loser. Why didn't I study like what I'm supposed to do? Why did I play so much that I forgot to have practice for my Math? Why did I become like this?
Maybe I'm still good. But not as good as I was before. Maybe I felt ashamed because of the comparison. I hate this feeling!
When the Year 11 Coordinator made his way up to the stage to introduce the Year 11 award-winners, I didn't expect for something. My brother isn't getting an award anyway. So what I did was, I looked up at the board and stared at it. It showed the name, year level, house and the awards of the person being called out.
Suddenly, I saw, "Ernst Nil Thomas Linsao 11 Ludovic...."
What a crap! My brother has AWARDS. He got 5! We never got a letter that says he's getting anything. He was expecting for it since I received mine. I can remember how pissed he was when he found out that he's not getting anything.
My mom felt so sorry for my brother. She talked to the coordinator to clear things out, to know what really has happened. Mr. Morad, the year 11 coordinator, said that there was a conflict on the computations and it was just as of 4:00 o'clock that day when it was finalized. He said that the school administration tried to call but failed to contact us.
I felt so sorry for my brother. He should have received a big applause from lots of people out there. Knowing the audience, when a student receives more than 3 awards, they couldn't resist but to give an applause even though it was announced to hold it until the last student was presented.
Pride, joy, and shame. Again, I had mixed emotions. I'm proud of my cousin and my brother. But I feel so sorry for myself. I'm such a loser. I hate myself.
After the awards night, we went home to pick up my brothers to have a dinner out with my cousin's family. The topic during the whole night was the awards of my cousin and of course, my brother. How about me? I was like, forgotten?
I feel so bad up to now. I thought of making up next year. I have to get up and do my best again. Next year, I'm doing the hard subjects. I need to endure having massive pimples and huge eye bags. I have to sacrifice my playing time and my FACE.
It's really funny why I feel this way. Maybe because of the comparison? jealousy? what ever it is. I am still a failure.
So, I opened up my blog and I read all of my posts before. I told to myself, "Why did I post something like these? They're crap! A blog is something where I can practice my writing skills. It's not supposed to be a waste where I put my everyday experiences which no one will be interested to read because of the poor structure."
I deleted everything. I think I need a change. Maybe I have to practice writing from now on so that I can get high marks on my essays in all of my subjects.
From now on, this blog is my learning ground, my practice. I ask everyone to pardon me for all of the spelling and grammar mistakes, and so as the structure of this post. I'll try my best to improve. ^^
There you go, you had read my funny down-fall and of course, my FRESH START.
Erna
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