Funny Down-fall : Fresh Start

It's really funny how I feel so dumb and stupid. I've never felt this way before.

Two nights ago, we attended the Awards Night in our school, St. Patrick's Marist College. My cousin and I are getting our awards which we don't know what exactly for. We arrived at 6:45 P. M. like what was said in the letter they sent us many weeks ago. We found out that the program will start at 7:30 and at that moment, we will be going to have a practice. What a crap!! Why do they need to make our parents wait for 45 minutes? The practice should have taken place on school days.

Well, anyway, this is what happened. I was so bored. Though the program started already, the musicians and the speakers kept on dragging our time. Real waste! Finally, giving of awards started. Of course Year 7's go first.

"Val Jeremiah Linsao. Achievement Award in Mathematics.. Achievement Award in Science.. Achievement Award in French...", called the Year 7 Coordinator.

He ended up getting 8 awards - 6 achievements and 2 merits (achievement=highest in class, merit= coming 2nd/3rd in class). Wow! He has 9 subjects and he gets an award for everything except one. I reminisce the moments when I was in the Philippines, getting bunch of medals and certificates.

"Is that your brother?", asked Kevin Lee, the nerdy Korean sitting beside me.

"No, he's my cousin.", said I.

"What a nerd!", replied He.

I don't really care of what he said. I was shocked with my cousin's awards. At that moment, I'm so proud yet ashamed at the same time. Proud because my cousin carries the same last name as mine yet ashamed because I don't think I'll be getting that much.

When my year coordinator finally held up the microphone and started to introduce the Year 10 award-winners, my heart jumped continually, not for joy but because of my nerves. I felt like I don't want to go up the stage and get my shameful award.

"Erna Linsao..Achievement Award in Science and Merit Award in Graphics Technology", my Year Coordinator called out.

Sweet! I got 2 at least. I felt like I'm a loser. Why didn't I study like what I'm supposed to do? Why did I play so much that I forgot to have practice for my Math? Why did I become like this?

Maybe I'm still good. But not as good as I was before. Maybe I felt ashamed because of the comparison. I hate this feeling!

When the Year 11 Coordinator made his way up to the stage to introduce the Year 11 award-winners, I didn't expect for something. My brother isn't getting an award anyway. So what I did was, I looked up at the board and stared at it. It showed the name, year level, house and the awards of the person being called out.

Suddenly, I saw, "Ernst Nil Thomas Linsao 11 Ludovic...."

What a crap! My brother has AWARDS. He got 5! We never got a letter that says he's getting anything. He was expecting for it since I received mine. I can remember how pissed he was when he found out that he's not getting anything.

My mom felt so sorry for my brother. She talked to the coordinator to clear things out, to know what really has happened. Mr. Morad, the year 11 coordinator, said that there was a conflict on the computations and it was just as of 4:00 o'clock that day when it was finalized. He said that the school administration tried to call but failed to contact us.

I felt so sorry for my brother. He should have received a big applause from lots of people out there. Knowing the audience, when a student receives more than 3 awards, they couldn't resist but to give an applause even though it was announced to hold it until the last student was presented.

Pride, joy, and shame. Again, I had mixed emotions. I'm proud of my cousin and my brother. But I feel so sorry for myself. I'm such a loser. I hate myself.

After the awards night, we went home to pick up my brothers to have a dinner out with my cousin's family. The topic during the whole night was the awards of my cousin and of course, my brother. How about me? I was like, forgotten?

I feel so bad up to now. I thought of making up next year. I have to get up and do my best again. Next year, I'm doing the hard subjects. I need to endure having massive pimples and huge eye bags. I have to sacrifice my playing time and my FACE.

It's really funny why I feel this way. Maybe because of the comparison? jealousy? what ever it is. I am still a failure.

So, I opened up my blog and I read all of my posts before. I told to myself, "Why did I post something like these? They're crap! A blog is something where I can practice my writing skills. It's not supposed to be a waste where I put my everyday experiences which no one will be interested to read because of the poor structure."

I deleted everything. I think I need a change. Maybe I have to practice writing from now on so that I can get high marks on my essays in all of my subjects.

From now on, this blog is my learning ground, my practice. I ask everyone to pardon me for all of the spelling and grammar mistakes, and so as the structure of this post. I'll try my best to improve. ^^

There you go, you had read my funny down-fall and of course, my FRESH START.

Erna